April

Yay for Spring!

What?  I have hot chocolate on my face?

Learned to use her scissors the right way.

Happy, clean baby.

Fun in GG's tree.

Planting peas with daddy.

Coloring eggs

Her Easter ensemble

Daddy looks so good in a bonnet!

LOVE!

Easter basket of fun!

Easter basket of sweetness!

My two favorite boys.

Easter fun with daddy.

 

Four generations!

Child labor....

 

Cuddles:)

Happy, sweet boy!

 

Joy!

 

Monkey see

Monkey do

Warm and cozy with mommy. 

More smiles!

The two prettiest flowers.

 

It's funny to me that one worry of having another baby was that I wouldn't have enough love for 2.  After having Sierra I was pretty sure my love was all used up.  The love of a child is so all encompassing and overwhelming.  It's a love that I had never experienced until Sierra came along.  I love Jesus, I love my family, and I love my husband with all of my might, but when you give birth and hold that baby that you created, that is literally a part of you, there is just no comparison.  It's the kind of love that you would give your own life for in a split second.  Once you've loved like that it's hard to believe that there's room for any more.  I've talked to lots of mamas that have had this same worry.  But something happens again when you hold your new baby in your arms for the first time.  Your heart grows three sizes or de-fragments its hard drive to make room for more love.  Lots more of it.  At first your love for your baby is something that God has given to mommies and daddies but as your child grows and you learn more about them and their personality begins to emerge that love intensifies even more.  

Jaxon is growing and I am learning more and more about him.  He is a patient boy.  He doesn't fuss when I stop nursing to burp him, or switch to the other side.  He doesn't mind having his diaper changed or when I dress him.  He falls asleep almost instantly if we put him in the car and he might cry a little bit when he's tired, but usually you just pick him up, hold him to your chest and he will fall right to sleep.  He loves to cuddle and be close.  He prefers to be held pretty much always, even when he is taking a nap.  He's not a huge fan of his binky and mostly just wants to suck on his fists.  He's a happy little guy and it's so easy to get him to smile.  He smiles with his whole body!  He grins, waves his arms, kicks his feet, and wiggles with joy. 

He started going to bed earlier this month and started sleeping for 8 hours some nights!  He generally goes to bed between 8:30 and 10:00 and usually wakes around 4 to nurse, then sleeps until between 7 and 8.  He really has no nap time schedule whatsoever.  He doesn't nap for very long because he usually gets put down when he falls asleep and will only nap for 20 minutes.  If I held him while he slept, I think he'd sleep forever.  I remember going through the same thing with Sierra though - the difference was she was my only kiddo, and I was able to hold her while she slept.  

The novelty of having a new baby brother has worn off in some ways for Sierra and this was kind of a rough month for her.  She has gotten tired of being told to be quiet while Jaxon sleeps and tends to get louder when he is resting.  Maybe this is part of the reason he only sleeps 20 minutes at a time:)  She has started talking pretty nasty to me at times.  Sometimes I want to stoop to her level and say something nasty back, other times I want to go curl up and cry, and sometimes I just kind of stare at her with a weary look because I don't have the energy to tell her for the millionth time that she cannot talk to me that way.  She still is kind to her brother and one of her favorite activities includes me telling Jaxon everything that she is doing.  "Look buddy, sissy just clapped her hands/touched her toes/picked her nose."  If I forget to tell him, she is quick to say, "Mommy, tell it to Jaxon!" And then asks, "What did he say mommy?"

One thing that has improved this month (on most days) is that Sierra is doing better at going down for her nap without me lying beside her.  At first it was really tough and most days I would end up with both of them crying their eyes out.  I was running back and forth from room to room trying to keep them both from fussing and I failed miserably.  But Sierra has learned that most days all I can do is give her a kiss and that she will have to go to sleep without my presence.  This has helped my sanity immensely.  She is also learning to be more independent and self sufficient.  She washes her hands by herself, can go peepee without my help, gets in her car seat while I'm loading Jaxon into the car, and she plays more and more by herself.  She is growing up so fast.  I go from feeling elated and so proud that she did something herself, to wanting to weep a few seconds later because it seems like she's grown up already.  It constantly amazes me, the crazy swing of emotions that being a parent brings out in you.

Sierra is also currently in the beloved WHY stage.  Why, when, how, where, and why again.  Holy moly!  I know it is normal, and I hear mom's talk about it all the time but I did not expect it to be so extreme.  At the end of the day I'm so exhausted from answering her why's that I think my head will spontaneously combust.  The car is the absolute worst place.  She asks a million questions, a mile a minute, and if she can't think of a new why, she'll start over on ones she's already asked.  We were at the swimming pool the other day and now that I have my hands full with a baby car seat, swimming bags, my purse, etc, I have a hard time always holding her hand in the parking lot.  She started to run off and I yelled, "Sierra stop!"  She without slowing called out, "Why?"  I was frustrated and terrified and yelled back in a loud borderline hysteric voice, "Stop right now, you do not get to ask why.  When I say stop you stop!"  A lady was on her way to the car and looked at me like I was a horrible mother.  She must not have been a mom!  But still, I do find myself more and more wanting to hang my head.  I've always worked so hard to be calm and not raise my voice to Sierra, but right now that has become impossible.  The funny thing is, Sierra did stop and turn around to look at me, but guess what her response was.  "Why?"  On a positive note, she is doing GREAT in the pool.  She wears her little orange floaties but is getting more and more confident.  She has learned to get onto her back and doggy paddles around the deep end without being held on to.

There are days that I have the energy to answer her questions, and there are days that I do not.  But even on those days that my patience is super thin and I find myself saying "Just because!"  There will be moments when she spouts off something profound and I realize she really is learning and her growing brain is soaking up my answers like a sponge.  "Fir trees are green  all  year, but oak trees lose their leaves."  "We wash our hands after touching chicken eggs because they come out by their bottoms.  And if the mommy chicken sits on the egg and keeps it warm a baby will hatch."  "Worms poop dirt because they eat dirt.  We all poop right mommy?"  "If an ambulance can't help someone with an owie, a helicopter takes them to the hospital."  "We are all getting older but daddy is getting really older."  There are a million of these that I could share!

Jaxon has started cooing this month and I've squeaked a few giggles out of him.  They are still few and far between, but sooo cute!  He is extremely ticklish and so just putting his socks on gets him really squirming.  He is also really sensitive to warm water.  I have to make the water borderline cold or he sucks all the out of the room and then screams when I put him in his bath.  I can usually talk him out of his fuss after he's been in for a few minutes.  Each time I make the water colder and colder, and he still is not a fan when it first touches his skin.  He is also starting to really reach for things but does not quite have the coordination to grab them yet.   He weighed 11 lbs 8 oz at his 2 month appointment and is 24.25 in long (Sierra was 10lbs 9oz and 24 in).

I'm starting to get the hang of being a mother of two - and made a trip to the doctor (an appt for me) with both kiddos by myself but I still have not braved the grocery store with the two of them alone.  There are still moments every day that make me feel overwhelmed and like I will never get the hang of this new life, but we are figuring things out every day and doing quite well as a family of 4.

March

Sweet moments between siblings!

We try to include Sierra in all things with Jaxon - and she is a big help!

She's done so well in dealing with his fussing!  I expected her to get upset, but she does great and even pokes a bit of fun at times:)

Sleeping in the same position daddy does:)

Strong boy!

We're getting there!  We may not have garage doors until our kids are grown though.  They cost a pretty penny!

My sweet angel girl!  She's really getting into frilly tutu's, dresses, and play high heels.

Our happy boy has started smiling more and more.

More sweet moments.

So much snow!

You can tell she didn't enjoy it at all.

Weeeeeeeeeee!

Smiles for daddy.

Growing so fast!

VERY happy to try on her Easter dress.

She decided she needed this umbrella as an accessory.

Racing with daddy.

Did my confidence as a mommy of two remain when Jesse went back to work?  Nope.  It pretty much walked out of the door when he headed back to work.  I will admit it was not as terrifying as when he went back to work after Sierra was born.  But all of a sudden there are just not enough hands.  Nap and lunch time are the hardest right now.  It seemed like Jaxon slept all the time when Jess was home, and when he went back to work he started being awake sooo much more.  He expects to be held and when there were two of us home, one of us was always able to hold him.  When it's just me, he has to be set down when I have to help Sierra go potty, make her lunch, get her ready for her nap, etc.  And it's just not possible that they could take a nap at the same time right?  Jaxon fusses while I put Sierra down and is generally awake until about 5 minutes before she wakes up.  I'm trying to be a glass half full person and say well, I get some quality alone time with both of them that way, but the glass half empty part of me is screaming WHAT ABOUT ME?  Mama needs a few minutes to at least take a shower. 

My sleep schedule is pretty difficult right now.  Jaxon tends to go down very late (sometimes not until midnight) and usually wakes around 3 and then again around 5 or 6.  After I nurse him at 5 he generally will go back to sleep until around 8 or so.  If I only I could sleep until 8 too!  Sierra is generally up by 5:30 and raring to go.  Many nights I'm only getting about 3 hours of sleep.  This shall pass I know, and I WILL survive, but getting to that point is a struggle.

Sierra still impresses me on a daily basis with her ability to adapt to this new world.  Sometimes I feel like she has adapted better than I have.  It's still a relatively new experience though and it will be interesting to see if her attitude changes after more time has passed.  For right now she is good about being quiet when he is asleep, might protest if I can't play while I'm feeding Jaxon, but never takes it out on him.  She loves to hug and kiss him and wants to make sure that he comes with us wherever we go.  Thank goodness for baby carriers!  It's amazing how helpful a 2.5 year old can be too!  She can bring me a diaper, burp cloth, blanket, the phone while I'm nursing, etc.  We really try to include her in things like bathing and diaper changing.  It makes her feel like a big girl and not left out.

Jaxon weighed exactly 10 lbs at his 3 week Dr.'s appointment.  At 5 weeks he started smiling and hasn't stopped since.  He smiles freely for just about anyone.  I'd write more but my brain is slow and I don't have much time.  I sure hope I can keep up with these blog entries because I think Sierra and Jaxon will enjoy reading them some day!

February

I'm a big sister now!  I can't wait to teach my brother to be cool like me!

The boys needed some rest.

Sierra was sooo happy to have daddy home for a couple of weeks!

A trip to bounce house.

Climbing all by herself.

Jaxon's first bath at home.

"Shhhh"

Such a loving big sister.

Does your heart just about explode when you look at his pic?  Mine does!

A smile for mama.  His eyes were open but he did not like the flash!

"Ahh he holding my hand."

Hello big world!

Holds his head up like a big boy.

Sweet baby boy.

It's hard to sleep with all this racket!

He's a hungry boy!

Love

 

13 Days Old

I love the smell of new babies.  The way they smile in their sleep and the tiny noises they make while lying on your chest.  I love their tiny perfect hands and feet.  It's precious to watch them curl up in a tiny ball and realize that only days before they were in that position inside of the womb.  I can't get over their tiny fury bodies and the softness of their skin.  Did I mention that they smell like heaven?  Mmmmm.

Not only was my delivery different last time, but so is life itself.  With Sierra I was a new mommy trying to figure out how to adjust to this dramatic change in my life.  I had a baby that had tummy problems and cried most of her waking hours.  I was in pain and healing took forever.  I struggled with everything - and instead of holding onto moments, I wished they would pass faster.  I still feel guilty when I think back - but I did the best that I could and I survived.  But that's what life was like at the start of my new journey of being a mom - it was about survival.  Things are so different this time.  Partially because Jaxon does not have the tummy pain that Sierra suffered from, but I'm also a different person.  I've been there, done that, and like I said, survived. And I know I will this time too.

Jaxon is a super laid back baby.  He mostly sleeps and usually only fusses if he is hungry.  The first couple of weeks were difficult at night because he didn't like sleeping in his own bed.  He much preferred sleeping right next to mommy.  I was exhausted, and I would try starting him out in his own bed, but when he would wake right back up I eventually let him sleep with me so I could at least get a little bit of sleep.  I kept trying though - and within a few weeks he was used to his own bed (it's right beside mine) and now sleeps in there just fine. 

We took him to the Dr. at two weeks and he is doing great.  He was at 9lbs 4oz, not quite back up to his birth weight but the Dr wasn't worried at all.  He said he is a super healthy boy.  He does have slight umbilical and abdominal hernias, but they don't bother him and the Dr said they should go away by the time he is two.  He is a super strong boy and started rolling over onto his tummy from his back at 5 days old (he prefers laying on his side or tummy rather than his back) and he can hold his head up really well.  The first night at the hospital I was trying to burp him and he held his up like it was no big deal.

Being the big boy that he is, he likes to eat.  And he likes to eat A LOT.  He nurses for about 45 minutes and wants to nurse every two hours (from the start of his last feeding).  I try to fill him up during the day so he doesn't need quite as much at night.  After the first week or so he was waking 2 or 3 times in the night to eat. 

Sierra caught a cold when Jaxon was only 2 weeks old.  I almost had a heart attack because we have been super careful lately.  By the time he was 3 weeks old he had it too.  We took him to the Dr and mostly the Dr just said to continue to nurse him and that it would run his course and build up his immune system.  He never got a fever, and has been able to eat just fine, but it's hard to see him sick.  Sierra never really had a cold until after she was 1.  But we didn't really go anywhere with her either.  At his 3 week appointment he weighed 9lbs 11oz.  He measured 20.5 inches at the hospital which was shorter than Sierra was when she was born but over a pound more.  They were going to remeasure him but never did.  At his 2 week appt he was 22 inches, so he either grew 1.5 in two weeks, or they measured him incorrectly at the hospital. 

Sierra has been an amazing big sister.  She loves to hug and kiss him (impossible to not spread germs) and wants him to be wherever she is.  At first she would ask if we would put him on the floor with her to play:)  We've had to do a lot of explaining about babies and she has learned a lot.  She will sometimes act out if Jesse and I are both focusing on Jaxon - but she has been super.  She misses her mommy time and gets frustrated when I cannot play or put her to bed, but she never shows any animosity towards her brother.  It is hard for her to understand just how gentle she needs to be with him, but she is learning fast.  Luckily, he is a super sound sleeper and can sleep through her squeals, and sometimes ever her recorder playing, so we don't have to constantly tell her to be quiet.  I'm so proud of her and know that when he gets old enough they will have great fun together.  She is such a nurturer, and I know she will be a fun big sister, but a very loving one too.  I'm not saying they won't argue - but I feel confident that they will be great playmates.

I'm feeling pretty confident right now as a mommy of two, but that's mostly because I have my wonderful husband home to help.  He has 3 weeks off and when I think about him having to go back to work, my throat sort of closes up.  What will I do at nap time, lunch time, if I'm changing a diaper and Sierra has to go potty too?  And right now when I'm nursing or changing Jaxon, daddy is right there to play with Sierra.  What happens when she has to play by herself most of the day because I'm feeding her brother?  These thoughts give me heart palpitations, and I'm pretty sure that she is going to feel like her world is ending.  Guilt again.  Do you see a trend?  That is definitely one of my struggles in life.  I just want her to feel just as loved as she was before Jaxon, and even though my love has not changed towards her at all, my time will be less, and I don't want her to suffer from that. 

We have definitely enjoyed the time that Jess has been home.  It's nice to have two sets of hands for two children, support when I crumble from crazy hormones or lack of sleep, and someone to help with the household duties during the day.  I wish we were independently wealthy and he could afford to stay home every day.  Cause it's pretty great.  He got to come to Jaxon's Dr appointments with me, run to the grocery store, we took Sierra swimming and to the bounce house - things daddy usually doesn't get to be a part of during the week.  Hopefully I don't fall apart when he goes back to work!

All in all going from a family of 3 to a family of 4 has been beautiful.  I am thankful for a baby without pain, the sweet and caring big sister that Sierra has become, and the rock of partner I have in Jesse.  As for being a mommy of two without Jesse home, to be continued.......