January 2015

Frozen princess dress up day before school resumes

I hardly took any pictures this month.  We had another month of battling illnesses and Sierra has developed sleep apnea.  She's been waking up several times a night and all of a sudden I discovered that she quits breathing on and off all night long. It's terrifying.  Her chest sucks in, her nose flares, and she flails and gasps and breathes again for a bit and then it starts all over.  She was really sick all of December and her tonsils are giant.  So I took her to 2 different Drs and both recommended seeing an ENT.  We have an appointment scheduled for next month.  Both of the Dr's we've seen said they guessed that Sierra will need her tonsils removed.  The thought of her having surgery makes me sick to my stomach, but we've got to do something!

It's just been a rough month and here's the thing.... I'm tired.  SO tired.  I've never slept well and now like any parent of two young children and now a young puppy (Thanks Jess!) I sleep even worse.  Some days I don't know if I'm going to make it through the day without passing out from exhaustion at some point.  But I've had some revelations this month.  Some big ones.  My babies are growing up.  Quickly.  And I've had these moments of stepping back and realizing that even though they are growing up they still need me.  A lot.  And instead of being afraid of holding them too much when they were a newborn or worrying that rocking them to sleep every night would create a need for that until they were a teenager, I'm realizing that they are going to grow up and that right now, while they need me, I'm going to give in more.  And I'm going to enjoy it. 

Sierra is my firstborn and she is needy.  She has been from the second she entered the world.  Even though she is 5, she still wants me to lie with her until she goes to sleep every night, she wakes me up in the middle of the night many nights a week because she's scared or lonely, she doesn't really like it when I leave her anywhere, she still loves to be held and carried, and she needs me to walk her into class every single morning.  But she is going to grow up.  There will be a time when she doesn't come into my room in the middle of the night and whisper with her warm breath on my face, "Mommy will you come lay with me?"  There will be a day when she takes a shower and does her own thing at night and doesn't want to snuggle and talk and have me cuddle her until she falls asleep.  There will be a day when she says, "You know Mommy, I think I want to walk to class by myself."  And I'll die a little bit inside.  So.... right now, I'm going to give, even when I'm tired, even when I've had a rough day.  I'm going to give and I'm going to love it without worrying that I'm creating a dependent child that will never move out.  (Would that really be so bad?  :)

I'm going to cuddle her until she falls asleep.  It's my favorite time of day.  She talks about school, asks questions about Jesus and Heaven, tells me I'm the best mommy in the world and that she'll be my little girl forever.  I need these moments too.  I'll stumble into her room in the middle of the night and crawl into bed with her to make her feel safe without grumbling and asking, "Why can't you just stay in bed?"  To which she answered the other night in a tiny voice, "Sometimes I just need you mommy."  Well, shoot.  Yeah baby girl, I get that.  Sometimes I still need my mommy too.  And I'll get us to the school every morning, find a place to park, try to get the puppy to stay in the car while getting Jaxon out and walk her to her class so that she can have the confidence to make it through the day at school.  I'm going to keep giving because that what mommies do.  

Jaxon is at a different stage in life.  He has always been more independent.  Whether that is part of birth order or gender, I'm not sure.  I still rock him to sleep for his nap and cuddle him lots because both of my kids are super star cuddlers - but he lets Jesse put him to bed and he goes to sleep on his own.  If he wakes in the night he lets Jesse walk him back to his bed and tuck him in.  He cheerfully waves goodbye if I drop him off at his grandma's and grandpa's houses to go to the store.  But if he turns 5 and goes to school and things change, then I will do all of the same things for him.  Because the tiny little beings that I had a part in creating are growing up so stinking fast.  I can't promise that I won't complain about being tired anymore and that I won't have frustrating days where I feel tapped out, like I've given all I can.  But I'm going to keep giving and thank God every day for these beautiful creatures that he entrusted me with.  And some day when my babies are grown I know that I will not regret any of these moments of giving.